So far in 2012, (in no particular order):
- I have failed at maintaining a long distance relationship And that one hurts.
- I (feel like I) have failed at creating a loving mom and dad family for my precious son (so far anyway).
- I have not only failed at my weight loss goal, I have gained almost 15 pounds since January.
- I have failed to find a new job here in Texas since our move (so far, I am still working on this!).
- I have failed to find any sort of consistent playgroup for my lil man, so we haven’t met too many new people yet.
- I have failed at creating the perfect, respectful, mannerly 4 year old boy (some days he just goes ape-crazy and this is true I swear).
- Etc… etc…. etc…..
Overreacting? Ok, maybe I am. BUT, it’s how I’ve been feeling. I feel overwhelmed by the things I’ve NOT been able to accomplish; things which appear hopeless for the foreseeable future. Smushed into all these feelings is the struggle with being alone and lonely in a new place, to figure out how to blend into a new city, find new friends, find a church, find my LM a preschool, find myself something productive to do with my days… Sorting all this out by myself is a LOT overwhelming. Some mornings I wake up and feel I crushed by the weight of it.
Sometimes I find myself wallowing in the “I don’t have (yets),” the “When will this ever happens,” and the “Why can’t I’s.” I don’t particularly care for the feeling it gives me but there I find myself time and again. What. The. Hell.
Can anyone say Pity Party? I just wanna smack myself upside the head sometimes.
BUT….. how do ya get out of a hole once you find yourself so deep in one? I’m still working on that. In the last couple weeks:
- I have been twice now to a church I like, so far… I’ll keep going until I don’t like it (and if that happens I’ll try yet another one).
- I might have found LM (that’s my son, LM = Little Man for those of you wondering!) a school that I can afford and that has an opening for him for this fall.
- I have found a renewed sense of self-worth and esteem that has me back on a healthier track for my weight and body (and, overall health-related) goals.
- I have figured out some ways to work with my LM to generate respectful, mannerly behavior (and they kinda work, this is going to be an ongoing deal, I know that!)
- I am trying to come to terms with the job market and what I’m looking for and feeling blessed that I get some unemployment from the great job I had in CA to tide us over (Thank you Lord!)
- I am learning to talk about what’s wrong to someone (usually my mom, sorry mom!) even if it means morphing into a sobbing mess JUST to get it OUT instead of IN.
Sometimes there’s advice in the asking, sometimes assistance, sometimes just comfort… and I SUCK at the asking. I’m a bottler, have been for as long as I can remember. Prefer to hold things in, until they just can’t hold in anymore. But…. yeah.. that’s not such a good idea, like, ever. I don’t like it, I’m just not good at reaching out. If anyone has some advice on getting better with reaching out, please feel free to share.
I guess I’m just… I’m trying not to feel like a FAIL. It’s a step up to even feel like a WORK-IN-PROGRESS, right? I’m learning to be a little more comfortable with being a W-I-P. Huh…I guess that’s my first PASS!
Yeah I know this post was rambling, but I just felt like I had something to talk about today, and it wasn’t very well thought out ahead of time. Sometimes that’s just how it is. I’ll try to think ahead for next time… and I’ll keep workin’ on this thing called life, and prayin for strength to keep this up alone – for awhile anyway… Cause there’s gotta be better things to come. I just know it.
I think next time I’ll write about the books I’ve been reading. I’m almost to like 40 books since June 15 when I really got started reading again. Yep, I think I’ll make a list. AND I’m waaaayyyyyy over due on posting some new pics. Here’s a preview: