I have MAJOR stressers though – #1 being that my unemployment runs out in August, and I’ve still been unable to find work, SO, I’m not sure what we’ll do for housing (rent)… etc….. at that time, and since I’ll have to figure it out BEFORE it actually HAPPENS, I’m already *worrying* about all that.

YAY, I started a new college program on April 1st, and nope, this one’s not a ‘fools’, I really did start school again!  It’s an online program, which takes between three and six quarters to complete (depending on how many credits you take at a time), to become a medical transcriptionist. THEN I’ll be able to work from home!!!!  BUT, until I ‘graduate’, I’ve still got to figure out income. But doing the transcription from home is a long term goal. I’m nervous and excited at the same time, as it’s been FIFTEEN YEARS since I was in school! Can’t believe I’m old enough to say that anything was that long ago!

Anyway, in the event that I’ve got anyone actually still reading this (lol), I’m here to invite y’all to a fundraiser.  Yes, it’s for a good cause – or at least I think so!

It’s actually for my son and I! SINCE I have been unable to find a job since our move to Texas, the income just isn’t meeting the outgo.  And with some unexpected expenses the last few months, we’re not makin it. So…. if you find it in your heart to help us out, and have the means, THANK YOU!  And in any event, please keep us in your prayers that everything will work out A-Okay.

Here is the link to my fundraiser.

Happy Valentines, St. Patrick’s Day, President’s Day, and all the other happy things I’ve missed! And Happy Spring y’all! I’ll try to get back on here regularly, because I DO have things to say and share!

But here I am now to make a statement, because I find that making statements about something one plans to DO, can be their own motivation to actually DO the thing.

Here’s the deal. I am in pain, overweight, (somewhat) unhealthy and unhappy (with myself).

I have gotten mired in a ‘rut’ over the last year (maybe even longer), and have allowed myself to be dragged down to a place where I don’t want to be. I want to be healthy, to feel vibrant, to look in the mirror and LIKE who and what I see. I want to get rid of this unhealthy feeling I have ALL the time. I want to stop being obsessed by food and what I eat and how and where and how much, to just enjoy eating as a means of nourishing my body, and definitely to get back to a healthy happy weight.

I want to be a FANTASTIC role model for my son. I have fallen into “do what I say, not what I do” habits with him…. teaching him healthy eating, and healthy body habits while not practicing them myself. What kind of example is that really??  Not the kind I ultimately want to be.

I have a favorite blog, (among many that I like), authored by a raw vegan, chef, wife, athlete, and mommy, Kristen Suzanne.  She tells her story on this blog, which I have read before many times, but today I read it again. And I found myself thinking, as I had the times before, “This sounds just like me” (Aside from the bodybuilder part, of course!). But she talks about health issues: headaches, fatigue, acne, allergies, pain, cellulite, etc. (her whole story is here). 

A quote from her blog: “

“For most of my life, I had intense migraine and tension headaches, acne, cellulite, allergies, and back pain. I was constantly tired and so you’d always find me drinking 2-3 Starbucks’ triple venti soy cappuccinos each day. I took plenty of prescription medications, for both my headaches and my exhaustion. Eventually, I was so tired of not feeling well, of not feeling like I was at my peak unless I medicated myself with something like caffeine or pain pills. I was living a life of stimulated energy instead of Raw energy. I had no idea there was such a thing as Raw Energy. And, wow, what a difference that has made in my life!”

I want that Raw Energy. I am SO freaking sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and sluggish. I want to glow. To feel vibrant and alive!! I want to enjoy my life again! I don’t like waking up in the mornings feeling tired, and my body/joints often hurting.  My pain has gotten steadily worse over the last year…. I’m only 33 years old, I’m WAY TOO YOUNG to feel this crappy all the time!

I really have no excuses. I have most of the tools I’d need to do it, I have enough cookbooks to last me a lifetime (maybe), and most of them would work very well with a high raw vegan diet. (High Raw = 80-85% raw and the remainder cooked foods. More info here.). I have no ambition to become Fully Raw at this time, quite simply because I love me some baked potato and some cooked grains, occasionally pasta… and I believe I can fit those into a healthy lifestyle.  But I have no excuses.  I love fruits and vegetables. I can see how a person who did not love them might find a transition like this very difficult or even unattainable, but that’s not me at all! I’ve become addicted to sugar, which has been my major downfall. I’ve grown away from loving the natural sweet, and healthy variety of flavors found in nature.

Also…. I want to be involved in something I care about, that I can be passionate about.  And I have found something I want to be a part of that I can also bring Jr too!  Rawfully Organic Co-Op is a Houston based Organic Raw food non-profit co-op that is completely staffed by volunteers.  I just found about this yesterday. Though I can’t afford to join the co-op for food (yet?), I am SO excited about being able to go and volunteer some time.  I am excited to meet other people who are passionate about this too!  I am planning on going at least twice a month to help them out – more if I can afford the trips into Houston! I am SO EXCITED about this.

Kristen Suzanne is one of my greatest heros.  I pray for the strength and determination to become more like her in my habits, that I might one day be an inspiration to someone else.  If you want to read an awesome story of health turned around, please check out her blog and read her story. (Not to mention, her recipes look UH-MAZING. I can’t wait to make some of them!)

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So, here’s to my new journey. I will be posting news and updates, successes, and even failures. I welcome support and positive feedback. In fact, I desire those things – so feel free to email or comment! 

I CAN be successful.  I CAN be healthy. I CAN be happy.

And I WILL be.

Let me share with you – It is UNREAL how quickly events play out. I don’t imagine the whole episode lasted more than 10 minutes. Probably less than that. He hid from me once, on a Whole Foods shopping trip, but when I found him, he was literally like 3 feet from me, just hiding. And mom had been present for that one too…. so we thought he might be doing it again…

**PANIC**

Mom went one way I went the other calling him… a few calls into it and he doesn’t appear, we were SHOUTING his name, each of us aisles apart, grabbing strangers and asking if they’ve seen a little boy. I went completely blank as to what he was even wearing. I was just mad at first, thinking he was hiding somewhere, but I started to cry when I realized he might not be….I finally found an employee and told her my son was missing – she says “You’ll have to go up to Customer Service and tell someone there” WTF? Then I was terrified and PISSED! .

I started running, trying to find another employee – my mind went blank again and I had to think where Customer Service was… I was still shouting his name and I could hear my mom shouting, though it was faint and I had NO idea where she’d gone. Then I saw her at the far end of the store, also running and looking at me, shaking her head and she’s still shouting for him; I spot a gal with a walkie talk and grabbed her, “My son is missing I can’t find him, he’s only 4!” I gotta hand it to her, she was EFFICIENT. She had her walkie out and talking before I even finished my sentence, calling Code Adam – they’ll lock down a store for a C.A.

I’ve only been in a store once where it happened… it’s scary even thinking about someone else missing their child, and now it was me. And thank GOD, because He helped unlock my scrambled brain and I finally  remembered what LM was wearing – he dressed himself I remember thinking suddenly, “A red and grey tank top, blue plaid shorts… one slipper and one blue tennis shoe.. and he wears glasses!” and I’m crying and wanting to go running looking some more but I have to stay with the lady to tell her … And I can see my mom far away… and the walkies are crackling and I hear other people repeating the info; people are milling around a little looking unsure, some looking around like we’re crazy people but I didn’t even care, or really notice then…

And then I heard a screaming, crying I recognized, from somewhere.  I looked for my mom thinking she’d found him but she hadn’t – she was looking at me too, and I stopped and listened I shouted “Mom I hear him!” And we looked around and after a few seconds, I see a tiny black haired head bobbing toward us through some clothes racks and I heard him again and a gal comes walking toward us towing my LM behind her; he’s crying as hard as he can cry, red-faced, covered in tears and I grabbed him and held him and pretty much ignored people. Someone must’ve gotten on the walkie and cleared the store… The lady who’d brought him said he hadn’t wanted to come with her… and from where she’d come from – he’d wandered pretty far away. I just realized I never even thanked the woman who helped me. I didn’t even get her name. I feel badly about that…I just got wrapped up in him once he was found and everything else just kinda… went away. Honestly, if I could have just sat down on the floor in the store right then and SOBBED with him in my arms, I would have.

It took all three of us awhile to stop crying, but ya know, as angry as I was that he’d walked away, I knew he was also terrified and couldn’t really lay into him for it. He said he was looking for the books. Meema had said she’d get him a new book … and he was just looking for them. 

I think I grew some gray hairs, during that brief fright filled shopping trip, and maybe had a few years worth of life shaved off!! I am SO THANKFUL that God was watching over us today.  My LM is a turd sometimes, but he is the light of my world, I don’t know what I’d do without him. I praise God for protecting us all!!!!

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Things I’ve always thought about but never really practiced:

• We live in the camera phone age. If you have it, USE IT. Take a picture of your child at the start of any shopping trip or outing. Then you have both a recent picture AND what they’re wearing, should you need it.
• TEACH your children what to do if you become separated! (My guy said he could hear us at one point but didn’t know where we were; we said, IF that happens again, YELL OUT FOR US! We can come to you IF we can hear you!) I want to find a kids safety class and get my lil guy in there. He gets SO shy, I don’t know that he’d really FREAK OUT if he needed too, (or ask for help either).
• Don’t wait to find an employee and call for a Code Adam.
• Forget appearances – BE a crazy person and grab strangers and enlist aid in searching. News travels FAST and soon others were helping us look. My mom said one older gal came and grabbed HER, asked for a description to start looking also.

If you have any advice on this subject, or a story to share please feel free to comment! I’m still learning and would LOVE any helpful ideas.

I surely don’t FORGET that I have a 4 year old. I could never FORGET. Sooo… why do I FORGET the things they’re capable of?

Maybe because this is my FIRST 4 year old… For example: Why is the toothpaste was running perilously low? I knew I needed to order more soon but surely not YET? Until…

Hm.

Hmm…

Then, out of the blue one morning, I blurt out:

Me: “Son, have you been eating the toothpaste?!”

Son (a picture of wide-eyed innocence): “Uh huh!” *he smiles*

Me (incredulous): “Really?”

Son: “Yes…” (why is he so calm about this?!)

Me: “Really??!? You ate the toothpaste?”

Son: “I did.”

Me: “*SIGH*. You may no longer brush teeth by yourself, ok? You’ve lost privilege.”

How did I not notice he was eating it til it was gone?!  I mean, I noticed it was running lower than it should have been, but it just never occurred to me…. BOY am I out of it sometimes!

My wide-eyed innocent having fun with inkpads. He did himself all over. (And yep, he stamped a print of his butt.)

I’ve yet to do a ‘slideshow’ of my LM as he’s grown… so I’m gonna put em up here today Yeah it’s some in your face my kid’s the cutest ever, but don’t you agree?! (And if you don’t, just don’t tell me!)

And for the record, YES I was obsessed with pictures – I kind of still am, but not as much. Kind of. From the first month, I had LM to the studio once a month, on his ‘month-day’ for pics, because lil ones grow and change pretty fast! I also had them do roughly the same pose each time so I could ‘see’ the changes… (Am I a total nerd or do other mommies do this too?!) I wanted to  have the memories of it all… Then once he turned One, I backed off to just twice a year: family pictures at Christmas (so, just me n him lol), and pictures at his birthday.

(Side note: I love love love my birthday (the ides of June!). I learned at an early age how perfect it was, because I got presents at least every six months – for my birthday and then Christmas. I’m blessed to share a month with my LM, our birthdays are only 4 days apart… so I’m sure he’ll figure the presents thing out young too ANYWAY, to tie this side note into my picture story,  is just that it’s really good timing for twice a year pictures. So we get something new every six months. I guess I’ll probably keep doing it until LM’s 18 or so…Or until he just flat refuses to go anymore ;)

Back to my pictures… check out this progression – I love having the pictures of each step of the way, it’s like going back and watching him grow!

One month, July 2008

Two months, Aug 2008

Three months, Sept 2008

Four months, Oct 2008

(Bonus pic!) First Halloween, Oct 2008

Five months, Nov 2008

(Bonus pic!) Five months, Nov 2008

Six months, Dec 2008

Seven months, Jan 2009 (he turned into such a lil butterball! Ha!)

Eight months, Feb 2009 (I love this shirt, I totally kept it for my next son!)

Nine months, Mar 2009

Ten months, April 2009

Eleven months, May 2009

One year old, June 2009

1 year 3 months, Sept 2009 (Mommy & Me class)

1-1/2 years, Christmas pics, Dec 2009

22 months, Mother’s Day, April 2010

Two years, June 2010

Junior’s first school picture, 2 years 4 months, October 2010

Christmas picture with mommy, 2-1/2 years, Dec 2010

(Bonus pic!) First horseback ride, April 2011

Spring portraits at Clairemont Emmanuel, 2 years 11 months, May 2011

Three years, June 2011

Fall portraits at Clairemont Emmanuel, 3 years 5 months, Nov 2011

Christmas, 3- 1/2 years, Dec 2011

Still can’t believe he’s FOUR years old! June 2012

I just love my LM to pieces! Watching him grow and get smarter (he’s uh, really smart kid)… he’ll be starting pre-k this year ACK! I feel so blessed to be his mommy, he is the light of my world.

I must think of something really good for my next post… hmmmmmm……

Thank you to my lovely friend Sarah over at Be Here. Be You. for tagging me for a fun post! Yesit was a long time ago, but better late than never! I’m going to, in turn, tag two of my favorite bloggers who I’d love to see post the 12 Things! Sunny, over at Sunny Larson Tells it All (simply because her blogging CRACKS ME UP, she’s in your face awesome) and Katie at Chocolate Covered Katie. (I know you’re insanely busy Katie, so if you don’t have time, I’d understand…!)

There are five rules:

1. Post these rules.

2. Post a picture of yourself and 12 random things.

3. Answer the questions set for the original post.

4. Create 12 new questions and tag people to answer them.

5. Go to their blog/twitter/Facebook and tell them you’ve tagged them.

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12 Random Things About Me

1. I really hate my feet. My second toes are longer than my big toes – like 1/2″ longer, they’re dumb. And I had really bad ingrown toenails as a young child so had surgery on my toes and now my toenails are shaped funny and people are always pointing it out.  I will totally have cosmetic surgery on my feet someday.

2. I love love love horses and horseback riding. I once saw a rider on horseback go past my house when I was a child and ran out and got on my bike and followed them home, and ended up getting to ride!

3. I’ve always named my cars (but one). I’ve owned Susie, Katar, Beethoven, Savannah, Dory, Cujo and Cheiron. (There was my Buick which had no name cause I never could think of one!), and now I have Echraidhe. I even name my (computer) hard drives (nerd? lol), Kiki and Lisanthus. I’m weird I know.

4. I’m very very very allergic to bees n other stingy lil dudes.  I once stepped on a bee when I was younger and got blood poisoning, my leg turned like, black, almost to the knee. Gross. I carry Epi-pens now. (I’m terrified of wasps. Not kidding, they freak-me-the-hell-out.)

5. I have a tattoo ‘scene’ that starts on my right upper arm and goes up over my shoulder and almost all the way to my right hip. It’s been “In progress” for over 10 years. I wish I had a ton of money (and time) to get it FINISHED! I also have a tattoo on each ankle, one on my stomach, and one on each wrist. I’ve designed probably 95% of my tattoos myself. No, I’m not done. Yes I will get more.

6. I hate wearing shoes and wouldn’t ever wear them if I could get away with it…. thank God for flip flops, it’s the closest I can get to being barefoot all the time! (Weird even to me, considering #1)

7. I really love to cook. I love trying new recipes and making up my own. Especially baking.

8. The nickname that has stuck with the the longest in life so far, not counting my initials or a shortening of my actual name, is Punky.

9. I want to visit Australia more than any other place in the world (with a stop in New Zealand of course!) I want to go for at least a month, and spend time in the Outback, and see all the crazy wonderful creatures – platypus, koala, echidna, kangeroos, etc. in their natural habitats!

10. Davy Jones is (was) my favorite Monkee. I’m really very sad that he died earlier this year.

11. I want at least TWO harlequin Great Danes someday. It’s my dream dog, I’ve always wanted one, for as long as I can ever remember.  I would also like an English Mastiff or two.  Yep, I like enormous dogs. (You did see #2, right? lol)

12. I wear lil white gloves when I read, or watch movies. Yep gloves. If I don’t, I trash my fingernails, without even thinking about it, I just get tense and pick at them. I’ll look down and suddenly they’re all ripped to pieces. SO…. I have to wear gloves. I’m a weirdo, I know.

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Questions I was tagged to answer:

1. If money, schooling, or time was no obstacle, what career would you choose? I would like to be a large animal (including exotics) veterinarian for an animal rescue or reserve.

2. What’s the one thing you look forward to everyday? Lately? More sleep! Just can’t seem to get rested these days.

3. What is the most important quality you look for in a friend? OOOOooh that’s a hard one actually…Trust. I think you can build other things from there, but if you haven’t got trust it’s doomed.

4. Biggest pet peeve? Being lied to.

5. What is your all-time, favorite book? A good week for me consists of finishing 3-5 books, and I’ve bene doing it a LONG time. I honestly couldn’t pick ONE favorite book. I love books, love to read… I love so many – I can’t pick just one.

6. What would your “last meal” be? Baked potato with all the fixins (butter, melted cheeze, scallions, bac’n bits, etc.) some crazy good tender seitan roast with an obscene amount of gravy, and probably… green beans & tomato slices sprinked with nooch. That sounds fantastic.

7. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope. I believe in ‘connections’ at first sight… definitely lust at first sight, but I don’t think real love. You can’t truly love someone you don’t know, so… yeah. Not so much.

8. What would your ideal Sunday morning consist of? Sleeping in until 9 or so, pancakes and scramble with faux-sages, fresh orange/pineapple juice for breakfast, someone else cleaning my house… and watching a movie snuggled on the couch.

9. Who is your favorite band and what were you doing when you discovered them? Ohhhh… I may never get this post posted if I have to really put an answer here… I’m not a big music buff. Um. I like many artists… probably my favorite band is Godsmack. And I don’t remember what I was doing when I first heard them but the song was Voodoo. I have all their albums. I don’t have all the albums or any other band or artist.

10. If you had to choose one color to pick forever, what would you pick? Well, can I have different shades of it? Purple.

11. Do you believe in soul mates? Kind of but not exactly… I think it’s possible that there are people out there that we match up with yes, (not that we’ll ever necessarily find them!), but I definitely don’t think there is only one for each of us or anything.

12. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? Well I’ve not lived too many places, so to pick one would be totally guessing… but I’d guess probably somewhere in the US, because for all the problems we still are a pretty damn free country … but I’d live away from a metro area. Close to one, so I could get necessities, and have access to an airport, etc… but definitely out in the country on a seriously huge piece of land with a seriously awesome house (designed by me of course), with horses, and a swimming pool and all kinds of room for all kinds of animals (cause I’d probably end up rescuing a Ton of them)!

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Questions for the ladies I’ve tagged:

1. Whats’ the one thing you’ve done that you’re most proud of ?

2. If you could be taller or shorter which would you choose to be?

3. What kind of pets do you have; if none what would you like to have?

4. What’s your favorite season and why?

5. What is your dream vacation (if money was no object)?

6. What is your favorite smell, and why?

7. Do you like to read, and if so, what do you read most?

8. Do have children or if not, do you want to someday (how many)?

9. What’s the one biggest thing you would change about your life?

10. Do you have a bff, and if so, what do you like best about them?

11. What’s your favorite fruit, and why?

12. Why is the first thing you notice about men?

• I have failed at maintaining a long distance relationship And that one hurts.
• I (feel like I) have failed at creating a loving mom and dad family for my precious son (so far anyway).
• I have not only failed at my weight loss goal, I have gained almost 15 pounds since January.
• I have failed to find a new job here in Texas since our move (so far, I am still working on this!).
• I have failed to find any sort of consistent playgroup for my lil man, so we haven’t met too many new people yet.
• I have failed at creating the perfect, respectful, mannerly 4 year old boy (some days he just goes ape-crazy and this is true I swear).
• Etc… etc…. etc…..

Overreacting? Ok, maybe I am. BUT, it’s how I’ve been feeling. I feel overwhelmed by the things I’ve NOT been able to accomplish; things which appear hopeless for the foreseeable future. Smushed into all these feelings is the struggle with being alone and lonely in a new place, to figure out how to blend into a new city, find new friends, find a church, find my LM a preschool, find myself something productive to do with my days… Sorting all this out by myself is a LOT overwhelming. Some mornings I wake up and feel I crushed by the weight of it.

Sometimes I find myself wallowing in the “I don’t have (yets),” the “When will this ever happens,” and the “Why can’t I’s.” I don’t particularly care for the feeling it gives me but there I find myself time and again. What. The. Hell.

Can anyone say Pity Party? I just wanna smack myself upside the head sometimes.

BUT….. how do ya get out of a hole once you find yourself so deep in one? I’m still working on that. In the last couple weeks:

• I have been twice now to a church I like, so far… I’ll keep going until I don’t like it (and if that happens I’ll try yet another one).
• I might have found LM (that’s my son, LM = Little Man for those of you wondering!) a school that I can afford and that has an opening for him for this fall.
• I have found a renewed sense of self-worth and esteem that has me back on a healthier track for my weight and body (and, overall  health-related) goals.
• I have figured out some ways to work with my LM to generate respectful, mannerly behavior (and they kinda work, this is going to be an ongoing deal, I know that!)
• I am trying to come to terms with the job market and what I’m looking for and feeling blessed that I get some unemployment from the great job I had in CA to tide us over (Thank you Lord!)
• I am learning to talk about what’s wrong to someone (usually my mom, sorry mom!) even if it means morphing into a sobbing mess JUST to get it OUT instead of IN.

Sometimes there’s advice in the asking, sometimes assistance, sometimes just comfort… and I SUCK at the asking. I’m a bottler, have been for as long as I can remember. Prefer to hold things in, until they just can’t hold in anymore. But…. yeah.. that’s not such a good idea, like, ever. I don’t like it, I’m just not good at reaching out. If anyone has some advice on getting better with reaching out, please feel free to share.

I guess I’m just… I’m trying not to feel like a FAIL. It’s a step up to even feel like a WORK-IN-PROGRESS, right? I’m learning to be a little more comfortable with being a W-I-P. Huh…I guess that’s my first PASS!

Yeah I know this post was rambling, but I just felt like I had something to talk about today, and it wasn’t very well thought out ahead of time. Sometimes that’s just how it is. I’ll try to think ahead for next time… and I’ll keep workin’ on this thing called life, and prayin for strength to keep this up alone – for awhile anyway… Cause there’s gotta be better things to come. I just know it.

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I think next time I’ll write about the books I’ve been reading. I’m almost to like 40 books since June 15 when I really got started reading again. Yep, I think I’ll make a list. AND I’m waaaayyyyyy over due on posting some new pics. Here’s a preview:

Mommy n Lil Man birthday pics in June

Stay tuned!

Exhilaration

As I play in the atmosphere,

Alone with my thoughts and feelings,

Beyond all things but faith and hope,

I feel the strength in my body

As I beat my way ever higher…

And the sharp rush of the freefall…

Tears stream from my eyes

I struggle to keep them open,

I don’t want to miss a single heartbeat

Oh the wonder!

I feel so much so fast!

With heightened senses I absorb the minute tastes around me,

And the real world approaches too soon,

Too soon!

I’m aware that sometimes I think I overthink.  Not just my writing, but everything in my life.  In my work, decisions, relationships… And sometimes it gets me in trouble.  Not ‘trouble’ trouble, but I often freak myself out, get myself worked up and stressed, when I probably didn’t have to be. It ‘s so easy to over-think even small situations.  Does anyone else have this trouble?

I’ve been so stressed out lately I’ve actually been getting sick.  Talk about motivation to CALM DOWN huh?  I’ve got to stop the over-thinking, the unnecessary worrying, the stressing out and reading into things.  Be a little more raw.  Raw like living in the moment, like being in the now and not in the “next week“, the “what if” and the “what happens when“. 

March 19th marks a life-changing event for my son and I.  It’s been a long journey – and for the last 6 months I’ve been stressing out about it.  When the calendar rolled into March I officially started Freaking Out.  And now it’s only like a week away.  But what I’ve realized is (thanks Lisa!) that I Have No Control over what happens on March 19th! So why am I stressing so much about it?  It’s stupid to worry myself sick about something completely out of my control.  I’ve wasted some precious precious time on my now while I’ve been concerned with what will happen then.  And I know that I can’t get it back. It breaks my heart to think of what I’ve let slip away.

To avoid losing even more time, I need to start living, raw, in the now. FEEL what’s happening now, to be involved in he events actually going on around me, with the people I’m actually with…. and let the rest work itself out. I know that it will take constant effort, and  I know that I will sometimes fail.  I’ll catch myself stressing out and have to rein myself back into the raw moment. But it’ll be worth it. So very worth it.

I’m just gonna enjoy the moments with the people I love, in the moment, in the real, in the raw.